Check Out What The Hosts Of Late Night Were Up To This Week
by Sloane Hughes on March 27, 2020 at 9:29 pm
Stephen Colbert was, essentially, everyone’s dad Just because late night hosts aren’t taping their usual programming from inside a studio doesn’t mean they’re all about to leave us high and dry, no no. Out of the goodness of their hearts (and probably a smidge of boredom) the hosts of late night have started recording and uploading monologues from the confines of their respective homes. Since they’re not in their usual work environment, they’ve all had to get creative and do the best with what they’ve got. Which means Jimmy Kimmel’s son sings his opening theme, Jimmy Fallon holds up his own logo scribbled on a sheet of paper, and Stephen Colbert sits behind a wall of bubbles in his bathtub instead of behind a desk. So the production value isn’t quite the same, but hey! It’s RAW, it’s REAL, it involves CHILDREN’S DRAWINGS, and you gotta respect that. What’s everyone been up to lately? Well, Stephen Colbert changed a bike tire It was touch and go for a moment there but he got it done. Jimmy Kimmel played Friends trivia with Courteney Cox Can you believe she, Monica herself, actually had to BUY Friends on Amazon Prime? Jimmy Fallon hung out with John Legend And his kids, very brutally, did not feel like laughing at his jokes. Trevor Noah talked to the one and only, Dr. Fauci Okay so it’s not technically “late night”, whatever, time is a construct, shut up. Seth Meyers gave us all an update on Trump’s insanity from the comfort of his library Seriously, the guy has a library with a LADDER. Why are we not talking about this??
The Time Zack Morris Was A Domestic Abuser
by Kat Curtis on March 27, 2020 at 4:03 pm
It’s marry your classmate week at Bayside. A thing every school does. Zack’s overjoyed about his academically arranged marriage to Kelly and plotting his imminent assault. Jessie declares no woman is a man’s property. Zack declares Kelly his property. via GIPHY Zack tells everyone he knows what sex is and plans to have it with his fake school wife. Jessie doesn’t want to sacrifice a career for marriage. Zack will make that sacrifice so Kelly can work while he does jack diddly. Kelly asks what Zack values in a relationship. Mouth stuff. (Kelly Morris. I’ve died and gone to heaven.) We should all be so lucky. Belding assigns a scenario in which Kelly staggers home after a major car accident. Zack’s response? (Who cares? Kiss me.) Belding requests, please don’t whip it out in a classroom. So Zack explains Kelly’s emotions to her, says shut up, then proceeds with Operation: Whip It Out In A Classroom. Belding assigns kids to the couples. (He’s not my son, must’ve bene a mixup at the hospital.) Zack Morris makes Woody Allen look like father of the year. Kelly, kind soul, embraces her child. via GIPHY Zack’s scorned kid is acting out, vandalizing school property over his unrequited love for Lisa. Slater steps up to be the man Zack isn’t by raising his son. Slater, who is now Lisa’s dad in this fully normal project, offers to help set up a date. Zack uses more class time to say he’s chubbed up then make a move on Kelly. When his son wants attention, Zack uses physical force and violent threats. Kelly tries protecting Screech, but Zack continues his Domestic Abuse Jr. seminar. (Mommy Call 911!) Don’t stop there, the FBI and IRS should probably take a look at him, too. Zack offers a disingenuous, “I love you,” that Screech sees right through. Great news. Kelly’s pregnant! Zack’s revolted and turns his back on his growing family. Kelly doesn’t want a man who hates his children. She walks out on Zack. Kelly, please, keep walking. Zack, who just pushed Kelly away, can’t figure out why she’s leaving. via GIPHY Slater wants to support Jessie’s career and is thrilled about having children. (Why? Because I’m a good father.) How refreshing. Screech arrives to take Lisa to the movies. But she’s not interested. Oh well! At least Slater tried. Except Screech reveals Slater only offered the date if Screech would do the community service of accelerating Zack and Kelly’s inevitable split. Slater tells Belding he did it to keep Kelly away from Ted Blondey. But while Slater has the cognizance to reflect on what he could’ve done differently, Zack farts out a worthless sorry. Belding gives the gang a chance to finish their totally routine project at the diner with the magic waiter who never met a health code he couldn’t make disappear. Slater comes to the mature conclusion that he and Jessie have fundamental differences that would prevent a happy relationship. Zack backpedals on having kids to dupe Kelly. He pretends to miss their son. Then slams a lid on his face. He says anything he thinks Kelly wants to hear to trap her. Then once again tells the Principal he’s very horny. via GIPHY Let’s review. Zack Morris took a class project as a blank check for his carnal fantasies. And despite repeatedly stating he ONLY cares about his wife for sex, was wholly uninterested in what sex produces. When the child he disavowed lashed out, poor Slater picked up the slack then got in trouble for trying to save a mother and her son from an abusive household. And while Slater learned to be honest with yourself in a relationship, Zack learned to lie his ass off. Not a new lesson for Zack Morris. Zack Morris is trash. via GIPHY Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i Actor/ Writer/ Editor Dashiell Driscoll Intro Singer Jason Flowers Post Supervisor Cody Pereira
Five Cold Opens That Are Guaranteed To Crack You Up
by Sloane Hughes on March 26, 2020 at 11:30 pm
Sometimes the best part of a TV show is right at the start of the episode A good comedy series needs to have quality jokes and entertaining storylines throughout, but there’s no better way to get an audience hooked on a show and in it for the long haul than a great cold open. Some television writers use cold opens to launch right into a storyline with the intent of making whoever is watching go, “oh well I just gotta know how this plays out,” and others treat it as almost a mini sketch, separate from the actual events and that may or may not follow the general theme of that episode, which allows for different jokes and a different way to get to know the characters. No matter the approach, the most important thing is that it’s funny. Those first few minutes before the title sequence and opening credits are what will make or break a viewer’s interest in any show, and if done well, often that will become the fan-favorite moment of the whole episode. Here are five of the best cold opens that are guaranteed to make you laugh as well as want to start bingeing these shows right now. Schitt’s Creek S3E11 — STOP SAYING LICE IS ANYBODY ELSE ITCHY NOW Parks and Recreation S3E9 — Ron Swanson pulls out a tooth The ultimate power move Letterkenny S2E3 — Squirrely Dan gets a little too candid about his relationship Well it’s impolite to kiss-and-tell The Office S5E13 — Dwight’s insane fire drill “WE’RE TRAPPED, EVERYONE FOR HIMSELF” Brooklyn Nine-Nine S5E17 — Peralta makes the lineup sing ‘I Want It That Way’ Probably the most jarring end to a Backstreet Boys song ever
Bond. Wick. Just F*ck Already.
by booyapictures on March 25, 2020 at 4:01 pm
You know it’d be amazing. The sexual tension between John Wick and James Bond is insane. And there’s so many reasons they should be together! Wick and Bond work similar hours – which means they would be home at the same time to kiss (and bandage) each other’s boo-boo’s. They both clearly love the gym (y’all see them shirtless at 0:59? HOT DAMN), which means they could be workout buddies – how cute would that be!? Plus… they both come from grim pasts and routinely have to kill people. Before they found each other, who did they even vent to? Probably no one since their past and present tramas included top-secret classified (and/or legally damning) information. Wick and Bond will be able to console each other mentally (and physically) like no one has before. CREDITS
New Comedy Specials On Netflix To Check Out In Quarantine
by Sloane Hughes on March 24, 2020 at 9:28 pm
Stay inside and keep on laughing Hello, fellow self-quarantiners! Quarantinees? I dunno While we’re all continuing to do our part in protecting ourselves and stopping the spread of coronavirus, this also means we’re fighting another battle: Boredom. Thankfully, March brought with it a few new kickass comedy specials that you should absolutely use this time to indulge in. Check ‘em out! Marc MaronEnd Times Fun Marc Maron wades through a swamp of vitamin hustlers, evangelicals, and grown male nerd children, culminating in a gleefully filthy end-times fantasy. Tom SeguraBall Hog Tom Segura scores laughs with uncomfortably candid stories about mothers, fathers, following your dreams — and other things you’d rather not think about. Taylor TomlinsonQuarter-Life Crisis People keep telling Taylor to enjoy her 20’s. Loser boyfriends? Bad decisions? Broken engagements? Yeah, she’s having the time of her life. Bert KreischerHey Big Boy Ever the stand-up party animal, comic Bert Kreischer riffs on parenting and family life, being a gun and pet owner, his dad discovering pot, and more. And once you’ve plowed through all of those, here are some of our favorite comedy series to binge next! Schitt’s Creek This Canadian series follows the elite and completely out-of-touch Rose family as they rebuild their lives from scratch after being conned out of their fortune. Written and produced by father-son duo Eugene and Dan Levy, it’s as quick and clever as it is silly, and demands your full attention. Plus, Catherine O’Hara’s dialect is the most glorious thing to ever be borne of the English language. Sex Education This show is only one season old, but it packs a lot into its first eight episodes — and season two drops later this month! There’s no shortage of coming-of-age comedies out there, but how many of them revolve around a teenage boy trying to act as the high school sex therapist, and his mom who actually is a sex therapist? Sex Education is awkward in all the right ways, relatable to anyone who’s had to figure out their way through adolescent relationships, and chances are you’ll probably even learn a thing or two. The Good Place Ramping up for its fourth and unfortunately final season, this is the perfect time to binge The Good Place. Although the notion of what lies beyond death is usually a pretty heavy topic, this series is anything but. It’s whimsical, imaginative, full of unexpected twists, and a story you definitely haven’t been told before. Grace and Frankie I know this is a very bold statement, but Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have never been better. Their yin-and-yang dynamic is hilarious, endearing, and perfectly balanced. While this show first and foremost proves that comedy isn’t just a young person’s game and doesn’t pander to anybody, Grace and Frankie also breaks every stereotype about seniority and what it means to grow old. Ageism is bullshit, and this series is a riot no matter how young or old you are. Bojack Horseman Although it’s a cartoon filled with talking animals, Bojack is one of the most accurate depictions of niches like Hollywood and the entertainment industry as well as universal experiences like unhealthy or traumatic childhoods, mental health, relationships, navigating adulthood, and learning to grow the fuck up. This series is absolutely one of the most genuinely hilarious and clever shows currently running, but also gets very, very real. Be prepared to cry as hard as you laugh, and probably keep your therapist on speed-dial. The Last O.G. This series is still in its infancy with only two seasons so far, so now is the perfect time to become a fan. Created by the brilliant Jordan Peele and featuring a roster of heavy-hitting comedians like Tracy Morgan, Cedric the Entertainer, and Tiffany Haddish, The Last O.G. should definitely be the next show you queue up. But reserve your judgement until season two, the first season was definitely about everyone finding their groove and was a bit of a rocky start. This show takes a hilarious approach to a very real and all too common narrative: life after incarceration. It’s the perfect blend of comedy, social commentary, and scary truths. GLOW GLOW follows struggling actress Ruth Wilder, her best friend-turned-enemy Debbie Eagan, washed up and troubled filmmaker Sam Sylvia, and a whole host of misfits and social outcasts as they try to successfully launch a new wrestling organization — the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Beyond being hilarious and over-the-top as anything involving wrestling and the 1980’s should be, every single character who inhabits this series is incredibly complex, deep, and wonderfully human. You’ll come for the wrestling, but you’ll get so much more. Get ready to be surprised.
Neil Diamond Updated Sweet Caroline’s Lyrics To Remind Us To Wash Our Hands
by Sloane Hughes on March 24, 2020 at 12:27 am
More Neil Diamond health and safety messages please The two sentiments being echoed around the world during this coronavirus pandemic are 1. Wash your fucking hands, and 2. Stay the fuck inside. While we here at Funny Or Die have been hammering the latter over your heads, (and will continue to do so, seriously, stay home) we’ve been a little light on the former. The CDC-approved method is washing your hands for a full 20 seconds, or the amount of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. Considering “Happy Birthday” is the worst song man has ever created, I personally think telling people to sing it twice while they wash their hands is a little counterproductive to the cause. Luckily, there is an alternative! Few people achieve the level of celebrity and impact across multiple generations as Neil Diamond, and now, the iconic singer has a musical message for all of us about COVID-19. Sitting in front of a roaring fire, holding an acoustic guitar, and accompanied by a Labrador retriever, (in other words, the only way I’ve ever imagined Neil Diamond) he reminded everyone to stay safe by singing his classic “Sweet Caroline” with a change in the lyrics. Hands… washing hands… Don’t touch me… I won’t touch yooooouuuuuuu As well as being a complete friggin’ delight, I timed the song — both “Sweeeeeeet Caroliiiiiiine, (bah bah bah) good tiiiiiimes never seemed so goooooood” AND “Haaaaaaands… touching haaands… reaching ouuuuut… touching meeee… touching yooooouuuu” are 20 seconds long when you sing it if you hold all the notes, and if you’re singing Neil Diamond, obviously you have to hold those notes. Stay safe out there! “Hands… washing hands..” pic.twitter.com/QaRB1qZshp— Neil Diamond (@NeilDiamond) March 22, 2020
Has Kevin Managed To Win Randy Over?
by Sloane Hughes on March 23, 2020 at 10:11 pm
Episode 7 of The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon Podcast is available now! All systems are go for Frog and Toad are Friends, and Randy can finally ruin Kevin Bacon’s career for good. There’s just one tiny little hiccup preventing them from starting production. They don’t have a script. Yes, for as long as Kevin Bacon has been planning this movie, he never thought to write a script. So, the two of them decide to do what any professional film writer does to get the creative juices flowing: head to Tom Hanks’ cabin for a secluded writer’s retreat. Meanwhile, Kyra Sedgwick is Closer-ing in on the last remaining copy of Footlong, the erotic Footloose parody starring Randy Beslow, which unfortunately is in the clutches of her sworn rival, Emily Deschanel. Back at Tom Hanks’ retreat, things are going well… almost too well. Randy and Kevin aren’t just getting along, they’re… having a really great time? And they have so many things in common, like their mutual hatred of still water?!? Randy came here to write this script so he could destroy Kevin before he kills him in cold blood, but by spending time together and writing Frog and Toad are Friends… they might just become friends. Will Randy be able to hold firm to his plan? Or will he put his lifelong grudge aside and give in to the power of friendship? The Last Degree of Kevin Bacon is available now, only on Spotify. New episodes drop every Monday.
Telenovelas Are Hell: Sonadoras
by Funny Or Die on March 23, 2020 at 6:18 pm
Soñadoras: a Mexican telenovela that comes to you straight from the depths of hell Do you enjoy watching people sweat uncontrollably? Do you like haircuts? Are you into choking? Well if so, let me tell you about Sonadoras, a Mexican Telenenovela where people cover their sofas in clear plastic, and teachers boink their students….because….are…hell. via GIPHY Sonadoras tells the story of Jose Luis, who’s got such a strong masculine energy, he probably has 5 testicles. Jose Luis teaches high school literature to 4 bff’s: Julieta: the poor one who sounds like a duck. Jaqueline: the hot one with abs so perfect, she makes me feel like a rhinoceros. Lucia: the nerd who talks like an adult baby, and Emilia: the boring one who doesn’t contribute anything to the show other than the fact that she’s dating this man who’s does amazing karate. via GIPHY So then Jose Luis walks in and says: “listen up, pendejos…I’m in a really good mood, cause I got laid over the summer. Her name is Fernanda and she’s a hot blond that has insanely huge and round..bangs.” What Jose Luis DOESN’T KNOW is that this Viejo, who looks like he’s just done a fart that may have come with a little bit of shit, is so obsessed with Fernanda he plants a bag of cocaine in Jose Luise’s apartment, and has him arrested. He then threatens Fernanda by telling her that if she doesn’t marry him, he’ll have someone in jail pour hot sauce all over his face. Fernanda says, please not hot sauce, his stomach cannot handle spicy foods.” Fernanda marries him and is so miserable, it looks like she’s smelling rancid cheese at the alter. She spends the next months crying because she misses jose luis so much, meanwhile Jose luis is having a blast in prison, eating pizza and…and even hooking up with none other than his hot student…in his jail cell that has a king sized bed. via GIPHY Now let’s check in on the girls: Julieta gets addicted to diet pills and to glamour, Emilia’s boyfriend is so good at karate that god gets jealous and gives him cancer, and a goth, witchy turns lucia into a walking butterfly clip…. Jose Luis gets out of jail and finds out that Fernanda has remarried, which causes him to a have breakdown on his bathroom floor so intense that boogers and sweat start pouring out of his body. He dumps Jaqueline to try to get Fernanda back, and Jacqueline tries to kill herself, but is rescued by Fernanda who’s like honey don’t do it, and Jaqueline is like omg you got a haircut! Cute! And then she’s like “he’s too old for you, just find someone your own age,’ and she’s like “you’re right.. totally.” via GIPHY When the telenovela ends…Jose Luis and Fernanda get married, and the girls….well they put on their best slutty 90’s outfits and graduate the hell out of high. THE END via GIPHY CREDITS Narrated By: Tamara Yajia Writer/Editor: Tamara Yajia Editor: Paul Louis Smith
Man “Walks” Dog With A Drone While In Quarantine
by Sloane Hughes on March 20, 2020 at 9:35 pm
This is some next level problem solving As preventative measures against COVID-19 are increasing around the world, more and more folks are staying inside. This is especially fantastic news for pets. They have no idea what’s going on, but suddenly their humans are home all the friggin’ time. Literally pet heaven. However, stricter lockdown rules mean those pets are in danger of becoming just as bored and stir crazy as their owners. Just because pets can’t contract or infect humans with coronavirus, (the strains that affect humans and animals are completely different) pet owners are still under strict social distancing orders and cannot all congregate in the same place. So no more human-run dog daycares, no more pet playdates, no more busy park visits. One man in Cyprus, though, has figured out a pretty ingenious way to ensure his fluffy four-legged friend still gets plenty of exercise and hit the town — by having his drone do all the “walking” for him. By attaching his dog’s leash to the drone, Vakis Demetriou can still take his dog out remotely while practicing social distancing. Plus, his dog looks like he’s having a pretty great time!