Dumbest Music Video: Meat Loaf
by Ben Rosen on September 23, 2019 at 2:03 pm
This Meat Loaf epic is the dumbest music video about breaking into a castle to take a bath Meat Loaf plays a ghoul in a motorcycle chase who says he’d do anything for love, but he won’t do that. And what is “that” exactly? According to this video: telling a coherent story. Let’s revisit Meat Loaf’s 1993 magnum opus, “I’d Do Anything For Love, Parentheses: But I Won’t Do That” one of the dumbest music videos. Meat Loaf is on a motorcycle chased by policemen in cars and helicopters. He’s wearing a cape, which is not recommended by the National Safety Council’s Motorcycle Safety division. Neither is slamming through an ornate mausoleum, but he does that too. A chandelier falls from the ceiling, landing on a cop. He loses exactly one ounce of blood and dies. Meat Loaf flees through the woods as Harry Potter if he grew up to be a cop investigates the murder. While chewing up scenery in the forest, Meat Loaf stumbles upon a beautiful woman bathing in a fountain. He just kind of hangs back and creeps on her for a while. When she notices him, he runs away, leaving behind an insanely elaborate pendant. She grabs it and follows him back to his scary mansion, lit by hundreds of candles, even though it is 1993 and electricity is readily available. Maybe he forgot to pay his electric bill just like he forgot to cut his fingernails. The woman makes herself extremely at home in the castle and decides to take a steaming hot bath with her dress on. Who among us has never done exactly the same? Of course, Meat Loaf watches hornily from the shadows. After her bath, the woman tries to take a nap but she is rudely interrupted by three ladies who want to have an orgy. Meat Loaf again watches this all from behind a chair even though they can clearly see the top of his head from the other side. He gets really frustrated because they mostly writhe around and mime touching each other, without taking off any clothes or making physical contact. At the beginning of the video, Meat Loaf was pursued by cops for unknown reasons but at this point we can reasonably guess it was for stalking. Meat Loaf is so mad that he didn’t get to see any good action, he decides to break every mirror in his castle. Each one is 7 years bad luck, so Meat Loaf is screwed for roughly the next century. Just then, the cops arrive, letting in a light draft that explodes every remaining piece of glass in the castle. This wakes the woman up from her post-orgy nap and she runs off to find Meat Loaf so they can escape together. He stalked a woman and killed a cop, and she did some breaking and entering to take a bath, so they’re both wanted criminals. They meet up in his underground murder dungeon and she finally sees his face. He looks like, well, if they made Twilight for weird dads. But she loves him anyway, so she strokes his hair and hugs him, transforming him from a hideous monster into Meat Loaf, so, you know, kind of a wash. They teleport to a motorcycle where they ride off into the sunset, ready to sneak into someone’s house and spy on them while they bathe…and this time they’ll do it together. Unfortunately we fade out before we see that happen because you see, it’s a story best saved for another… dumbest music video. CREDITS: Writer: Ben RosenEditor/GFX: Andrew Jew
Angry Chonk Of A Frenchie Denied Seconds, Throws Hilarious Tantrum
by Sloane Hughes on September 20, 2019 at 10:45 pm
YouTube We’ve all been there, man If you’ve ever had to go on a diet you can attest to how frustrating it can be. Eating is a habit, and just like trying to change any habit, changing up your diet is no easy task and at some point or another it’s sure to cause some grumblings and complaints. And humans aren’t the only ones who feel this way! If you think YOU have a hard time cutting back on the sweets or late night snacking, take a look at any pet who’s been put on a vet recommended diet and I’m sure you’ll feel at least a little bit better about yourself. Like this French bulldog, named Cashew, who is definitely a bit of a chonkster, and whose human mom is trying to fix that. The video starts with Cashew staring into his empty dish in clear disbelief that there is no more kibble, and after a few moments of pondering why the food is gone, he gives some primo doggy side eye and a few annoyed little grunts, as if to say, “hello, this is empty, please address this.” His owner then has to break the tragic news that he had indeed finished his breakfast, and that’s all there is. And Cashew quickly lets everyone know just how he feels about that. Stay strong, Cashew.
9-Year-Old Sneaks Cheese Into Class Via Chapstick Tube
by Sloane Hughes on September 20, 2019 at 9:22 pm
twitter/valeriehahn This kid is going to run NASA someday One of the all-time dumbest policies that seems to exist in every school, not only in the US but in my home country of Canada as well, is no eating in the classroom. I never understood it as a kid and I understand it even less as an adult. I guess the argument is that eating in class is a distraction to other kids, but do you know what’s a distraction for pretty much everybody? BEING HUNGRY. Plus, there are a lot of kids out there, I’m just guessing, not that I’d know because I am definitely one of these people, who get very irritable if they don’t eat, and who wants a hangry student in class?? Many a student have tried to evade this “no food in class” rule over the years; silently opening ziplock bags of baby carrots only to be outed by the tell-tale crunch, keeping granola bars hidden in shirt sleeves but failing to hide the very obvious chewing motion granola bars require, or even sipping soup out of hot beverage tumblers, which never works because as soon as you pop the lid everyone knows someone in that room definitely has soup. But one ingenious fourth grader may have just solved the age old question of “how do you eat food in class without anyone knowing?” By stuffing cheddar cheese into a chapstick tube. My 9-year-old daughter has taken an old lip balm tube and filled it with cheese so she can eat it in class. pic.twitter.com/YEAqZx2wnr— Valerie Schremp Hahn (@valeriehahn) September 17, 2019 The daughter of Valerie Schremp Hahn of Missouri is nine years old and probably smarter than I’ll ever be. To evade school authorities and still get to nibble on cheese throughout the day, she hollowed out a tube of chapstick, washed it with dish soap, and inserted a perfectly sculpted tube of cheddar to replace it. She gave the credit for this idea to a video on YouTube detailing creative ways to sneak food into class. However the video suggests you hollow out a glue stick and stuff the cheese into that, and I gotta say, even though it’s smaller, I definitely like the chapstick modification. You really do not want to be the kid known for taking bites out of a glue stick. YouTube Goddamn brilliant. Get this kid a scholarship. Balm: Anything that heals, soothes, or mitigates pain.https://t.co/cjNqbWqJXn https://t.co/1d0ZRnCeJB— Dictionary.com (@Dictionarycom) September 18, 2019
Paul Rudd’s ‘Between Two Ferns: The Movie’ Sorta Uncut Extended Interview
by Funny Or Die on September 20, 2019 at 8:57 pm
Paul Rudd sat down with Zach Galifianakis to discuss the Me Too Movement, having looks with no talent, and being in Marvel movies vs movies no one has ever heard of. Zach Galifianakis and his two ferns are back. This time they’re out on the road, interviewing some of the biggest and brightest stars all over the country in order to prove to Will Ferrell that he’s a top rate host, and land his own big-time talk show. Check out this exclusive interview clip! Zach sits down with Paul Rudd, a guy you might remember from a few Marvel movies and that’s probably it, to ask some hard-hitting questions that definitely no other interviewer has asked or even considered asking him. Watch Between Two Ferns: The Movie, only on Netflix. And check out the entire back catalogue of Between Two Ferns episodes here.
The Time Zack Morris Dumped A Woman For Saving His Life
by Dashiell Driscoll on September 20, 2019 at 1:56 pm
Zack Morris Is Trash: Season 5 Episode 2 Zack Morris is covering wrestling tryouts live on Bayside radio. Except he wasn’t on the air because he doesn’t know his gear. Naturally, he assaults his producer. Kristy asks for directions to tryouts. (But you’re a girl.) Nothing gets past Detective Shithead. Despite Zack’s belittling, Kristy lines up! Only to get mocked by Coach. Zack steps in to be her hero. He brings her to the radio station and says the school CAN’T get away with the exact thing he was just doing. Zack tells Kristy he’s got it handled. By making Jessie handle it. She takes to the air exposing Bayside’s sexual discrimination and launches a full protest. (How can I thank you for this? I’ll think of something interesting.) That something rhymes with “handjob.” But Zack’s not just here to get cranked off. This was a shameless ratings grab to liven up his dull program by whipping students into a class-missing frenzy. Coach gives Kristy a shot. (What do you weigh? 110 pounds. Folks we have just…) Profound coverage of this historic moment. Kristy nails it and joins the team just in time for the meet against Valley! She thanks Zack who was laughing in her face moments ago. Zack takes credit for her talent and Jessie’s activism. (I wouldn’t be on the team without you, thanks) then leaves to do his show. A show broadcast live from the girls’ locker room to interview Kristy and glimpse some toweled nipples. She says leave, but this segment is too urgent to wait. (What kind of guy does Kristy Barnes like? Perhaps the kind of guy that would sneak into a girls locker room?) Every girls’ dream. Zack wants to continue the interview in the shower and destroy school property. Then asks her on a date. She says yes to get him to leave. Belding heard the interview and enters to eject Zack. But by closing his eyes to respect the students winds up terrifying one as Zack escapes. Zack offers Kristy his signature post-date flattery. (Looked like a girl) A Valley wrestler interrupts. Zack says he doesn’t want trouble, then insults him and escalates things physically. Putting Kristy in the awkward position to save his flailing ass. Zack does not say thanks and is visibly upset. Zack cancels plans with Kristy to study. She tries to re-schedule and he dumps her with no explanation. She sees right through his nonsense. Thanks to Zack, she’s quitting wrestling. But while Zack just wants to sit around moping, Jessie says they needs to talk sense into her. Zack insists it’s a man’s job. He invades the girls’ locker room for the second time this week and admits he was embarrassed Kristy wouldn’t let him get his shit slapped around with a tray of cheeseburger. Zack tells her not to quit just because he’s an insecure moron. He begs forgiveness. For some reason she grants it. Kristy’s in the final match and, although she proved to Zack she can handle herself, he loudly interjects to “use that hold from The Max.” Think she knows about it, Zack. She taught it to you. Zack claims Kristy and announces she’s his new bodyguard. And girlfriend. And we never see her again, she probably fucking killed herself. Let’s review. Zack Morris laughed at Kristy wrestling. Then stepped in to be her hero, just to make women do all the heroics. To get content for his high school radio show that he felt gave him access to the girls’ locker room. When Kristy succumbed to his pressures for a date, he ran his mouth into a whooping. Then couldn’t say thanks when she was a REAL hero. Then dumped her for rescuing him! And learned nothing, because he still believed she needed him to save the day when he can’t even save himself. Zack Morris is trash. Check out Funny Or Die’s official line of Zack Morris Is Trash merch here: https://amzn.to/2De3olY Check out Saved by the Bell on NBC: https://goo.gl/dXVC3a and official Saved by the Bell merch: https://goo.gl/cM2P6i CREDITS Actor/ Writer/ Editor Dashiell Driscoll Intro Singer Jason Flowers Post Supervisor Kia Reghab
Ron Burgundy Learns All About Wine From A Sommelier
by The Ron Burgundy Podcast on September 20, 2019 at 12:40 am
He also maybe has a little bit too much to drink but he’ll sleep it off This episode has a little bit of a rocky start as Ron says today they’re going to talk about wine and how much fun it is to drink it, but the episode is really supposed to be about the wine industry, and Carolina wasn’t even aware that they had wine in the recording studio. They didn’t actually have any on hand, Ron went out to the store and bought a bottle that he believes would pair exceptionally well with funfetti cake. And who better to discuss this with Ron than star sommelier Roni Ginach. Roni is from New York and has been a sommelier for ten years, and for a lot of people selecting a wine and knowing all the etiquette around wine can be an intimidating or daunting task, but don’t worry — Roni’s interview with Ron and Carolina is sure to give you some much needed comfort. There are a lot of questions around wine culture that we all wonder, but have probably googled instead of ever having the chance to ask a real life sommelier. Questions like, how do you walk into a wine store with $20 and walk out with a good bottle? Is it true that you should only drink white wine with chicken and fish and red wine with meat? What’s the correct way to drink wine? For instance, is the fact that Ron drinks wine by unhinging his jaw like a snake and dumping it into his throat okay? The more the wine flows (from Ron’s cup, because he’s the only one drinking) the more off-topic the questions get, like who would win in a fight between Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet? And there is a momentary existential breakdown when Ron thinks too hard about black holes, but don’t worry — he’ll sleep it off. This is an episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast that not only teaches a lot about wine, but also why not to drink it during the work day. New episodes of “The Ron Burgundy Podcast” drop every Thursday. Check out all the available episodes of “The Ron Burgundy Podcast” on Apple Podcasts and iHeartRadio now.
Shia LaBeouf On ‘Hot Ones’ Is The Most Important Thing Today
by Sloane Hughes on September 19, 2019 at 10:35 pm
He’s so humble and hilarious, my heart can’t take it Shia LaBeouf got his start at a very young age, playing the role of jokester Louis Stevens in the family sitcom Even Stevens, for which he received a Young Artist Award and a Daytime Emmy, and from there his success only grew. There was a period of time where Shia found himself in a string of legal troubles, but he recently said in an MTV interview that he has “never had his feet more firmly planted on the ground,” and it shows. He seems to be doing truly, truly well these days, and you really just love to see it. The season 10 premiere of one of my all-time favorite interview shows, Hot Ones, just dropped earlier today, featuring the Lawless and Holes star himself. And my number one takeaway from this episode is that, man, Shia is just such a fucking cool dude. Not only is he incredibly kind throughout the whole interview, he’s seriously hilarious. I could watch him take ridiculously tiny bites of wings and discuss how the one-bone wings are so much prettier to eat than the two-bone wings all day long. He shares some great stories about wrestling with Tom Hardy, and explains why he believes that Will Ferrell could probably freestyle some sick bars. He can’t really take the heat of the wings near the end of the interview, but hey, I probably couldn’t either. Check it out below!
The Mooer Report Is Here To Debunk The Lies About Milk
by Funny Or Die on September 19, 2019 at 8:30 pm
Penned by Bobby Mooer, the Mooer Report will clear up lingering accusations and negative reports about milk. Like it or not, we live in an era of conspiracy theories. Everywhere you turn, there are made up stories and pure exaggerations. Thankfully, one man has dedicated his life to fighting for justice for milk. He’s quite possibly the most dedicated dairy lawyer that the world has ever seen. That man is Bobby Mooer. The Mooer Report is here. Bobby trudged through mountains of ruMOOers and conspiracy theories in order to determine what is true and what’s false when it comes to this delicious dairy beverage. For example, if you drink too much milk, will you start to moo incessantly? The answer is no. Or are cows just secret Russian spies who put cameras in your milk cartons so they can spy on you and your children? Of course not. Milk is simply a healthy and delicious beverage for all ages. Read The Mooer Report here: https://www.themooerreport.com/
90 Day Fiancé Is Better Than Game of Thrones: Fight Me
by Sue Smith on September 19, 2019 at 6:52 am
Jenny’s judgement was clouded and her glasses were fogged. | TLC Related: I have never seen Game of Thrones. Hello, queens! (At this point, we should all know that’s a gender-neutral greeting.) This week’s episode of 90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way is action-packed, emotional, enlightening, and, dare I say, a thousand times better than anything on scripted television. Like, of course I’m a fan of Succession, but most dramas are completely unwatchable because they seem so utterly fake and I’m simply not willing to suspend my disbelief. Gimme the real stuff, baby! Running a little late with my recap this week because Will Ferrell is a slave driver. We had the Between Two Ferns: The Movie premiere this week where I breathed the same air as Chrissy Teigen, so I’ve been utterly incapacitated since then. Paul and Karine TLC Paul’s only redeeming qualities are the women and children around him. PeeAireEee. I’ve gotta know the origin story of that baby’s name! Anyone have the scoop? Karine finally looks happy and eyelashed for the first time in three seasons. Birth looks good on her. Paul asks PeeAirEee whether the baby loves him or Karine more and that’s an unhealthy thing to start thinking. I’m triggered. Cute baby, though. Paul kisses Karine and it’s literally agonizing to watch. I recoil as if from a hot flame. Mother Pole gifted everyone in Brazil with bug bands and I can’t think of anything more on-brand, unless she had showed up wearing a wig made of his hair. TLC It’s a party!Mother Pole meeting Karine and PeeAirEee is truly the most heartwarming and non-repulsive storyline this couple has ever had. ….And then she goes and touches the baby with all of those bug chemicals. I can’t. Karine and Mother Pole bond over their shared disdain for Paul and I sense that these women have more in common that anyone can ever know. Laura and Aladdin TLC Hearing men talking about their feelings makes my dick hard.It’s the first day of Laura and Aladdin’s wedding and Liam bails on his mom, saying he’s tie tie. Listen, did he fly halfway around the world to wear a leather cowboy hat and watch reruns in his hotel room? Or did he do it to support the woman who birthed him from her loins? See, that’s the thing with kids: they’re cute in the beginning like PeeAirEee, but then they get opinionated when they grow up, like Liam. What’s the point? Just get a petite cat who will look like a kitten for many years and snuggle with you when you need it, like my gal Noodle. In the beginning of this season, I was Team Liam through and through. But this episode has changed my mind. He’s become a bratty little Debbie Downer, and I don’t mean the snack cakes. Liam tells Laura to choose between him or Aladdin. Maybe he should have thought of that before he took his adorable little underbite to Guitar. Again, I hate the “him or me” narrative because it’s very triggering. There’s enough love to go around! The world is bountiful! These are my affirmations! But, also, aren’t Laura and Aladdin already married? They seem happy even though I’ve seen some weird stuff about them on Instagram this week. I’m hoping things don’t take a dark turn, but my expectations are pretty low because we’re dealing with TLC, after all. Corey and Evelin TLC Everything triggers me this week.This is the SADDEST SCENE. Watching Corey’s mom take down their Christmas tree after spending the holidays without her husband is unbearable. Losing my husband is literally my biggest fear in life and the thought of it gives me nightmares at least once a month. They never go away! TLC :(That said, Corey, STAY WITH YOUR MOM. She needs you! Find a nice dumb girl in Washington to birth your spawn and you’ll be fine. I can’t imagine that you need much in a partner, aside from a desire to get married and have kids, which Evelin doesn’t possess. Tiffany and Ronald TLC This South African public hospital is cleaner than many of the ones in New York City.Tiffany and Ronald’s storylines are always a little contrived. It’s like they need to have an activity to stay relevant because their relationship is too healthy. This week, they take a tour of a public hospital where Tiffany might give birth. They don’t have health insurance and can’t go to a private hospital so she might need to have the baby on the floor because the place is so small. TIFFANY: GO BACK TO MARYLAND!!!!!!!!! Please. She and Ronald are really dreading the public hospital. Even though it’s tiny and overcrowded, I’ve honestly seen worse ones in Queens. At least this place is clean and cockroach-free! Also, I don’t know all the logistics of our healthcare system, but AT LEAST SOUTH AFRICA HAS PUBLIC HOSPITALS! THAT MEANS FREE. Oh lord, all these capital letters are making my blood pressure rise. I’m about to need a hospital. This episode is so good. NBC This episode has it all.Jenny and Sumit TLC Her new solo titlecard makes me sad.TWO YEARS!!!!! SUMIT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS! Never in catfish history have we seen something like this before. What kind of sociopath is able to lie for that long? I mean, I moved to LA for a job in Torrance and I lied for a week and said that it was in El Segundo because I thought El Segundo was slightly cooler. Then I felt guilty and told my friends I lied and they all thought I was insane anyway for being ashamed of Torrance. Point is: don’t lie!!! I just. Sumit. You should have been honest from Jenny from the get-go so that we didn’t have to watch her glasses fog up like this. It’s too sad! Also, we all knew something didn’t add up. I even said: Aladdin’s family is being nice to Laura, Zied’s family loves Rebecca, why the hell is Sumit hiding Jenny from his family? Apparently, Sumit’s WIFE showed up to Jenny’s apartment with her entire crew and threatened to put Jenny in jail. Then, Sumit told everyone he loved Jenny and the family dragged him away. Sumit, YOU FUCKED UP BAD. I guess Sumit’s in an arranged marriage. Maybe he should have arranged to get out of that marriage before taking on a new girlfriend. This ain’t Sister Wives. (Sidenote: I went to Palm Springs for the first time last weekend. I did not run into Jenny. I did, however, pay way too much for a hotel room so the joke’s on me. I’m more of an Ojai girl, anyway.) The thing that Jenny’s daughter helps us realize via Skype, is that if Sumit really loved her, he wouldn’t have put her in danger. His wife’s goons could have really roughed her up! Next week, we’re going to finally hear from Sumit. He looks like he’s been to hell and back and was tranquilized along the way. Before The 90 DaysIt pains me that I haven’t had a chance to watch the whole episode yet, but I do have a couple of thoughts. Who am I to call Caesar delusional when I’m a fucking comedian? Men throughout the world need to learn that they have no control over women – not their bodies, their tattoos, their attire, nothing. Fears are wishes. Angela clearly has PTSD from a past relationship and she’s projecting it onto Micheal (along with a cake to his face). If she keeps accusing him of lying to her, then he will! FEARS ARE WISHES. You guys, I’m sorry that I’m so brain dead. We can all blame Will Ferrell, Scott Auckerman, and Zach Galifianakis. Watch Between Two Ferns: The Movie on Netflix 9/20!
Tam Gets Drunk: ‘The Neverending Story’
by Tamara Yajia on September 19, 2019 at 1:15 am
These sisters got drunk and watched ‘The Neverending Story’ and their reactions are amazing In her quest to catch up on an entire childhood’s worth of important movies, Tam’s sister, Nat, joins her for a nostalgic-if-they’d-ever-seen-it-in-the-first-place viewing of the cult classic The NeverEnding Story. Now they’ll finally consume both this important piece of cinema history as well as an unidentifiable number of bottles of wine. Here are some of our favorite quotes from the reactions that ensued: “Are you okay?”“I’m great! …Are you okay?”“I’m depressed.”“Eh.” “What if a guy with a clit on his head told you you had to go on a quest?” “Once I had a dream that a turtle ate my…whole face.” “What does ‘oracle’ mean”“I don’t know. Like a chunk?” “[BURPS] FALCOR” “Gamork! When I have sex I say ‘mm, suck my gamork, baby’.” “This is what happened: by the time he reached Fantasia, the Nothing had reached…it. And they’re now in space, and Fantasia shot from the earth to the space.” “I’m feeling like I wanna really read the Bible right now.” CREDITS: Writer: Tamara YajiaDirector, Producer: Darren MillerDirector of Photography: Ryan BenderProduction Designer: Katie DiFioreArt Director: Jacob KalafutSet Construction: Tobias LeveneCamera Operator: Homer SalinasCamera Operator: Eric Gauntt1st AC: Quynh LeGaffer: Tanner NicholsHair & Makeup: Jessica Leigh SchwartzSound Mixer: Nial MorganProduction Assistant: Chiara MontaliProduction Assistant: Jake TorossianEditor: Paul Smit